It's official....I'm in love. He's sweet and dramatic with big feet and even bigger blue eyes. While I have been traumatized from the events of his birth it has not altered my adoration for him one bit!!
And I think I literally am traumatized.
The bleeding has stopped and life has resumed....such a great thing but at the same time I am having a hard time moving past it. I am just now starting to be able to sleep without the t.v. on at night. It was a habit I developed at the hospital so that I wouldn't be startled when the nurses burst in or the blood snatchers arrived to tap another vein to fill their keg!
I still worry everytime I go to the bathroom that I'll start hemorraging....I have cramps quite often and wonder if something frightening is going on inside that I don't know about. My mother actually said to me the other day "a friend of mine had pain in her stomach after hemorraging and it turned out she had blood in there that was pushing on her liver." HOLY CRAP DO NOT TELL ME THAT!! I don't need to wonder if blood is filling up inside of me drowning my organs.
Once I came to the conclusion that I needed to move on with my life...pull myself up by the bootstraps and overcome this....that is what I've done.
I love the normalcy of friends dropping by to say hello, playdates with laughter and the little faces of my girls friends that I absolutely adore....kids who wondered what the h@ll happened to me when I got all giant, lost my sense of humor, and stopped having them come over to play!
I love being able to eat again and not barf. And sadly I actually enjoy cleaning and doing laundry. There's something about a hospital and wondering if you're going to hemorrage to death that makes you appreciate the little things....or in the case of my laundry basket of dirty clothes, the BIG things.
This baby-o-mine gives me so much joy I can't even begin to describe my love for him. I love hugging him and squeezing him and kissing his little face until he looks at me with an expression on his face that says "PLEASE KNOCK IT OFF!!!" I love ploppping a red knit cap on his head, pretending he is the gome of G's room there to grant her three wishes......we'll save that story for another time hehehehe.
For weeks I would cry and tell Bri that I just wanted to be a mom again instead of some lifeless person in a hospial and now that I am getting the chance I don't want to miss one moment.
Are you wondering when I'm going to get out of my contemplative sappy mood? I don't know if I will.....what if I stay this way forever?
What if I become one of those people that just sits and stares at old photo albums, listens to Barry Mainlow and talks about the "old days" with a wistful smile on my face? At the Copa....Copa Cabana...." *sigh*
